| 1 |
Every morning, I tell my family that I’m going jogging and then I don’t go.It’s a running joke. |
| 2 |
Two blind guys walk into a bar.The second one says to the first one, “You could have warned me!” |
| 3 |
Why did the chicken nugget cross the road?To ketchup with his friends. |
| 4 |
The local blacksmith passed away and I inherited his dog.As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door. |
| 5 |
The Lord said to John “Come forth and receive eternal life”.But John came fifth so he just won toaster. |
| 6 |
Where do bumblebees go to use the restroom?At the BP station. |
| 7 |
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery. |
| 8 |
A skeleton walks into a bar.And orders a beer and a mop. |
| 9 |
Who’s the coolest person in the hospital?The ultra sound guy.Who’s the coolest when the ultra sound guy isn’t there?The hip replacement guy. |
| 10 |
What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter. |
| 11 |
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?They’re making headlines. |
| 12 |
I went to a beekeeper to buy a dozen bees.He counted out 13 and gave them to me. So, being an honest person I told him “Sir, you gave me one too many!”He looked at me and said, “That one is a freebie!” |
| 13 |
What’s the difference between a steak and a shooting star?One’s meaty, the other is a little meteor. |
| 14 |
What does a nosy pepper do?Gets jalapeño business. |
| 15 |
Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?She couldn’t control her pupils. |
| 16 |
A Roman centurion goes into the bar and asks for a martinus.The bartender asks, “Don’t you mean a martini?”Centurion says, “If I want a double, I’ll ask for it!” |
| 17 |
3 guys walk into a bar.The fourth one ducks. |
| 18 |
What do you get when you change an elephant into a cat?A cat. |
| 19 |
Two muffins are sitting in an oven: One muffin turns to the other and says, “Man, it’s hot in here.”The other muffin cries, “Holy crap, A Talking Muffin!!” |
| 20 |
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” |
| 21 |
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.Says one to the other: ” Do you smell fish?” |
| 22 |
My wife told me to stop doing flamingo impressions.I had to put my foot down. |
| 23 |
One snowman turns to the other and says, “Can you smell carrots?” |
| 24 |
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?Bob. |
| 25 |
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused drugs during a root canal?His goal: transcend dental medication. |
| 26 |
Why are pirates called pirates?Because they AHRR! |
| 27 |
How long did Cain hate his brother?As long as he was Able. |
| 28 |
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?A wOnKeY. |
| 29 |
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.Poor guy. |
| 30 |
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo. |
| 31 |
Where do you find a dog with no arms or no legs?Right where you left it. |
| 32 |
What do you call a marine with an IQ of 70?General. |
| 33 |
I went to a zoo. All it had was a dog.It was a shit-zoo. |
| 34 |
Where did the girl go when the bomb went off?Everywhere. |
| 35 |
What do you call a Mexican boy?A paragraph. When he grows up, he becomes an esé. |
| 36 |
2 pretzels were walking down the street.One was aSALTed. |
| 37 |
Why don’t sharks eat drowning attorneys?Professional courtesy. |
| 38 |
An elephant climbed a tree and sat on a branch.Squirrel said, “What are you doing up here?”“Eating some apples,” said the elephant.“You dummy this is a pine tree!” said the squirrel.“I know,” said the elephant who proceeded to pull apples out his bag. |
| 39 |
What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?DoYouThinkHeSaurus.What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur dog?DoYouThinkHeSaurus Rex. |
| 40 |
What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?“Make me one with everything.” |
| 41 |
Why do they only bury farmers two feet in the ground?So they can still get their handout. |
| 42 |
Did you see Helen Keller’s new house?No. Neither did she. |
| 43 |
Unemployment jokes don’t work. |
| 44 |
What do you call it when a chameleon can’t camouflage?A reptile dysfunction. |
| 45 |
What did Missy Elliot say when selling ice cream?“Come get ya free cone!” |
| 46 |
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?He wanted to get a long little doggie. |
| 47 |
A father was washing his car with his son.And the son asked, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?” |
| 48 |
A friend of mine is an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac.He stays up all night long wondering if there’s a dog. |
| 49 |
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism. |
| 50 |
Just got attacked by 6 dwarves.Not Happy. |
| 51 |
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.One turns to the other and says, “Dam.” |
| 52 |
Why did the old man fall into the well?Because he couldn’t see that well. |
| 53 |
A sandwich walks into a bar.The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.” |
| 54 |
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?Phillipe Philoppe. |
| 55 |
What did they give the guy who invented the door knocker?A No-bell prize. |
| 56 |
This grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I have a drink named after you!”The grasshopper looks confused and says, “You have a drink called Irving?” |
| 57 |
Why can’t Cinderella play baseball?Because she runs away from the ball and her coach is a pumpkin. |
| 58 |
Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks?They’re a little meteor. |
| 59 |
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?A synonym roll. |
| 60 |
What do you call a dog who can do magic?Labracadabrador. |
| 61 |
Why did the scarecrow win the lifetime achievement award?Because he was outstanding in his field! |
| 62 |
The bartender says “I’m sorry we don’t serve time travellers here.”A time traveller walks into a bar. |
| 63 |
Why did the ancient Egyptians like to keep their heads shaved?To be more Pharaoh-dynamic! |
| 64 |
Where does the General keep his armies?In his sleevies! |
| 65 |
What do you call an explosive monkey?Baboom! |
| 66 |
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?“Supplies!” |
| 67 |
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?He worked his problem out with a pencil. |
| 68 |
Why do North Koreans draw the best straight lines?They have a supreme ruler. |
| 69 |
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. |
| 70 |
What’s the difference between Saudi Arabia and Abu Dhabi?The people in Saudi Arabia don’t like the Flinstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do! |
| 71 |
Why doesn’t anyone ever play poker in a zoo?Because there are too many cheetahs. |
| 72 |
Know why you should never eat Jolly Green Giant vegetables?Because he always stands over the corn and peas. |
| 73 |
What do you call it when you finish your tea?Tea end! |